Bieber Fever: aka the Apocalypse has officially started

A Trucker Hat? Really!?! Who are you? Ashton Kutcher in 2003?

So as a grown-ass woman (practically) I suppose I missed the grass roots campaigning that made Justin Bieber: the teen-phenom, all that he is. Because I choose to read ACTUAL magazines instead of Tiger Beat and watch REAL TV shows instead of the trite twaddle that Disney airs on a loop (don’t worry – I wasn’t talking about you Zenon- Girl of the 21st Century) I fully admit that I was unawares of “Bieber Fever” until it was knocking on my People Magazine doorstep! My first introduction to the little tyke (because I officially refuse to believe that he is older than 11) was watching MTV’s Diary: Justin Bieber. I watched with an equally unsuspecting friend and while watching, a few things crossed my completely dumbfounded mind.

  1. Who IS this kid?!?!
  2. How does he have crazy crying 13 year-old fans eagerly trading in their backdoor cherries just to get a closer glimpse of his Mop Head and yet I still don’t know how to correctly pronounce his last name?
  3. HOW DOES HE HAVE FANS IN EUROPE?!?!
  4. Why does he treat his mother so badly?
  5. …that’s his singing voice?…
  6. and the attraction is? Infinity amount of question marks?
  7. Is it a coincidence that his last name reminds me of the word “baby”?

But Alas. Its seems that I am officially in the minority. Even Oprah Winfrey has given her Harpo-style blessing upon the “16 year-old” (I practically got whip lash on that one, I was rolling my eyes so hard) boy wonder and dedicated practically a whole OPRAH show (priceless television liquid gold) to his overnight “success” and his equally promising future (Asst. Manager at the Studio City Best Buy).

And FINE! I’ll admit it! Knowing that most people break out their interview arsenals for the big O, I decided to watch so that I might get a better understanding of why the Bieb-onic Plague has taken down more victims than the H1N1 virus. But I have to admit – after watching the show I was bitterly disappointed. Not only did this kid barely say anything of substance except for the occasional “Ummmm…yeah. The fans are crazy!“, it seemed that even Oprah herself was catching on quickly that the Biebs is mildly retarded (or just a self-indulgent douche. Both?)

But playing devil’s advocate, the Oprah producers probably also should never have followed the privileged Canadian with the biggest sob story Philippino pauper turned pop star, Charice. Because not only can this Beezie sing, and sing BIG – but she deserves all the success in the world. So by double booking these two, even someone like Taylor Swift and her army of country tweens would have been cursed as a spoiled white girl in comparison to this little singing magnate. Hmmmm…Probably didn’t cast the Biebs in the best light in hindsight… Oprah Producers!

SO all I have to say is, enjoy this moment now Bieber! Cause next year when you hit “puberty” (or in 5 years because you’re really 11!) and your voice changes, you shall fall into the elephants graveyard of other One Hit wonders who couldn’t survive “the change” (I’m looking at you Criss Cross and Hanson!) But in the meantime, while Bieber Fever rages on – those of us who have yet to become infected must hold the vigil and stay strong. Do not be tempted to swoon over his finely coiffed hair or his gay-face million dollar smile. Do not become distracted by his pint size and his adorable/douchy sense of hipster-rock style. If you do, the tweens/satan have won and the end of the world truly is Nigh!

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2 thoughts on “Bieber Fever: aka the Apocalypse has officially started

  1. Stumbled upon your blog and lurked, but I must comment on this.
    First, Charice is awesome. I’m kinda sad I haven’t heard anything about her in a while. I’m not sure if that’s because she hasn’t been as active or I haven’t been looking as hard.
    Second, Bieber is only popular because all his fans feel like they helped make him. Apparently he was huge on YouTube before he made it big. Let’s all blame Usher for bring him to the mainstream.
    And finally, I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t know who to pronounce his name. I’ve taken to calling him JBer. Fewer syllables, less of a headache.

    • HAHAHA!! No, I totally know who you are! I love your blog, “Letters to Inanimate Objects”! And I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who A.) still misjudges how “Bieber” rolls off the tongue and B.) places the blame at Usher’s feet. Soooo true!

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