An Open Letter to the Turd Who Mugged Me

Dear Fuck-Face,

You may remember last Wednesday a moment in Yerba Buena park when you came across a woman lying in the grass listening to music on her iphone. She was holding it in her HAND, yet for whatever reason you thought it was ok to snatch it out of her hand and run away? Well, you thought you were real smart didn’t you?

Unfortunately for you, I was lying under a security camera and we got your face on film, asshole. Secondly, even though you saw an iphone and decided to take it, you really didn’t realize how jacked up it was. Jokes on you fool. I’d like to see you try and get ANY ca$h for that. I can just see you now trying to open up apps and only have them crash and burn on you. That really is my only consolation in this story. Is that you really can’t get much out of that piece.

Thirdly, YOU IDIOT! The new iphone 5 is coming out tomorrow! You really couldn’t have chosen a worse time to steal an iphone. The version I have is practically WORTHLESS now! So basicaly all you got out of that is a broke down iphone, not a whole lot of apps/personal information/juicy content, a police report and your face on file, and something that will be downgraded in value by about half literally overnight. Good work.

In other news though, you kind of did me a favor. Not only will my new phone be covered by insurance, but now I get to have a completely new iphone if I choose. So thanks fucker. I hope you get hit by a bus. Also, we got your friends on camera too.
Follow-up question: Why weren’t any of you in school where you should be? Oh, thats right. You and your fug-faced girlfriend were working on beefing up your wrap sheet. Nice life goals. You’re parents should be proud.

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