I swear to baby Jesus! If one more classic movie gets remade, I quit this country. Nothing is sacred anymore. Hollywood holds nothing dear. I’m convinced that that town is full of soulless, money-hungry evil silicone-filled demons who will rape your favorite movies and childhood memories just to flip a coin. First it was “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory“. Like many, I was willing to give it a shot because with Tim Burton and Johnny Depp at the helm, what could go wrong right? Well, I think I can definitively say that watching that movie was one of the first times I knew that Tim Burton could make a bad movie. Nothing about it was intriguing. Sure the colors that were used lent a more darkly whimsical tone to the whole movie, but in reality?? The characters were tired, the Oompa Loompa’s were a joke and the story line was just an affront to the original movie. I understand that Burton was trying to stick closely with the original book, however there is still no excuse for that weave on top of Johnny Depp’s head…or those teefs.
Then they remade “The Karate Kid” and kicked poor Ralf Macchio’s ass to the curb. Hollywood, then bribed with all the cash that “Men In Black” could blackmail, was forced by the Smith envoy to cast the anti-christ and my personal mortal enemy in the role as the kid. I personally hold Hollywood responsible for this one. For unleashing the eclipsing ego of an 11-year-old onto the undeserving public. Tisk Tisk. Meanwhile, Pat Morita asked God for a bigger grave to roll in after learning that he was being replaced by Jackie Chan. JACKIE CHAN?! Thats a slap in the face. What a mess.
As if that weren’t bad enough, Movie Exec’s just couldn’t get enough of the quick ca$h that remakes put in their pockets – and this week the remake of “Footloose” opens up. My God. What do people not understand? YOU CAN’T REPLACE KEVIN BACON! (or Sarah Jessica Parker’s perm for that matter) Bacon is a legend, an icon and if his solo gymnastics routine in an abandoned warehouse isn’t sacred, then GOOD LORD! What is?! There is something so untouchable about Chris Penn learning to dance on the grid iron and Kevin Bacon wearing his red tuxedo to the prom. The fact that this new movie has not only kept these idiosyncrasies that made the original iconic, is almost sacrilege. The worst part about it, is that I know so many people who want to see the movie (mostly for Julianne Hough and her dancing) I feel like there is no loyalty anymore.
And then finally! The worst offender of them all. STEEL MAGNOLIAS!!! You have GOT to be kidding me with this. I just found out today that Lifetime (LIFETIME!) is planning on remaking the single most visionary ode to womanhood and female bonds with an all black cast. I’m sorry, but there is no WAY IN HELL that anyone let alone LIFETIME could ever recapture the cinematic magic that Shirley McLaine did when she played Ouiser. Or re-envision the scene, that still makes me cry to this day, the gravesite monologue from M’Lynn (played by Sally Field) That movie is so iconic to me, as I know it is for many people. The fact that a tawdry channel like Lifetime is trying to remake Steel Magnolias is disgusting. Mostly for the fact that I just know that its going to turn into some clusterfuck titled, “Tyler Perry Presents: Madea goes to Chinquapin Parish and violates the best roles ever played by women…in a polyester weave” FOR SHAME!!!!!! Whoever greenlit this mess deserves bankruptcy.
On one final note: A few months ago there was some vicious rumors circulating about a remake to “Dirty Dancing” in the works. If this ever happens. I swear, I’m done with this country. NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.
And no one recasts Swayze.